I used to.

If you knew me from all those years ago, you'd remember, I was that girl who used to blush in pain as I reluctantly say my name.
When I was growing up, I never used to like my name. 
It's only when I came to London that I made a peace of being 'Suk'.

'Suk' was quite an unusual surname to have as there weren't many around. 
I used to hate the fact that it was rare, and was never really keen on how it sounded.
It used to make me feel like I was an odd ball rather than one of many, which was quite strange because, all I ever wanted to be when I was at school, was to be different, and to stand out.

At the start of every academic year, thought of having to introduce myself was enough to put me off, and used to take all the excitements away from all the things I'd been looking forward to. 
Receiving new text books, making new friends, planning a year ahead on my brand new diary, all those fancy coloured biros that I've been proudly collecting with the intention to do well in the classes and etc., would quite simply shy away, and took a back sit whilst I quietly breathe in and out in fear of having to say my name out loud.
Oh gosh, I can tell you, those moments were painful. Painful to be me, and probably even more painful to be around me.

Yes, I know it may sound so pathetic, but back then, it was one of my greatest fear of all time. It was like the biggest mole or the scar on your forehead that I couldn't get rid of, and I had to carry this one giant catastrophic embarrassment with me forever. I had to grin and bear this painful journey of introducing myself all the way through my adulthood, and it wasn't gonna go away as long as my living life exists! 
It was like 'Oh God, please give me the strength!'.

So, as you can imagine, since getting married, I joyfully started the process of changing my name. I first casually started the process with the many online sites I joined up, which made me giggle as it seemed so wrong that my name sounded so English. 
Then I enthusiastically visited my bank, like a girl on the mission, and proudly presented my marriage certificate. 
I didn't even think twice about being 'Mrs Scott'. For me, it was a done deal. 
You see, I was always so sure that I wanted to take Toby's name. Well, I thought I was anyway.

The day I received my brand new bank card, however, with 'Scott' written all over it, I hesitated. I carried two cards in my purse for days and days. I was reluctant to sign the new card. 
All of at sudden I wasn't quite sure. I wasn't ready to say good-bye to my old self. I kept hearing my old self whispering, 'I quite like being 'Suk'. 
After all these years, and for the first time in my lived life, 'Suk' kind of sounded cool.
For whatever the reason, I felt sort of sad.
Was I scared? Did I feel sad thinking I was loosing part of me? Maybe. 
But it's a bit daft to think that, isn't it? Because actually, as you might say, nothing really changes at all.

I am still the same weird one trying to live this weird and wonderful life in its full potential to be happy, except now, I do that with my lifelong friend, husband!

Prawn Parcels in Aromatic Asian Broth
Serves 4 as starter or 2 as main

for the broth
chicken carcass or some chicken wings
1 small pork spare rib
1 star anise
1 cinnamon stick
10 cloves
5 white peppercorn
5 black peppercorn
bunch of spring onions
5 garlic cloves
1inch ginger
pinch of salt

for the parcels
250g raw king prawns
1/2 inch ginger, grated
1 garlic clove, grated
1 green chilli, roughly chopped (use less if you don't like it hot)
handful of coriander, roughly chopped
2 spring onions, roughly chopped
180g cooked rice (I used mixed wild rice which has more bite to it)
2tbsp soy sauce
1/2 tbsp mirin
pinch of white pepper
4 large savoy cabbage leaves (use 8 small leaves instead, if your leaves are too small)
pinch of salt

for the garnish
Shichimi powder (optional)
some red chilli, thinly sliced
some spring onion, finely sliced

This is a sort of dish I crave when I feel like my body's been overly nourished with rich and heavy food. Its aromatic broth will gently calm your palate, whilst sweet juicy prawns wrapped up in green cabbage leaves comfort you with a substance.

I have used prawns for this recipe but do feel free to use ground beef, pork or even maybe some shiitake mushrooms if you prefer. Just remember to season well. If you are going to use mushrooms as your choice of filling, you might want to blanch them first to remove some excess water, and season well with some soy sauce and sesame oil.
It can appear a bit fiddly to make, but trust me, you'll be so glad that you've had a go.

First thing you need to do is making the broth, which is quite simple.
Put all the ingredients for the broth in a large sauce pan, and fill it with water, about 2-2.5 litre. Bring it to boil, gently simmer for 2-3 hours, let it cool down a little when ready, and run it through the sieve to collect the liquid.
Now, you want to keep this broth in the fridge for a while, preferably overnight, or until the fat sets hard on the surface so it is easy to remove the fat from the broth. 
I like doing this because this process will make my broth extra lean but with all the flavours I need.
One thing I will say though, is please, do make your broth. 
I'd like to say you can just use shop bought chicken stock and it will possibly do the job, but it won't be the same.

For the parcels, first of all, bring the water to boil in the medium sauce pan, put the savoy cabbage leaves, add pinch of salt, and boil them for about minute or so until the leaves are softened a little.
Rinse the cabbage leaves in ice cold water, drain and give it a good squeeze to remove all excess water.
Carefully spread each leaves on to your chopping board, remove as much as of the hard stem bits in the middle, and set a side.

Now, onto the prawn filling. Place prawns, ginger, chilli, garlic, coriander and spring onion into your food processor, and whizz them up until it resembles a course paste.
Tip those into a large mixing bowl, add your cooked rice, mirin, soy sauce and white pepper, and give it a good stir.

To make the parcel, place your cabbage leave onto the clean surface, and spoon the prawn mixture onto the cabbage. 
You want to start wrapping this up by folding the softer bottom end of cabbage leaves first rather than the stem end, then the sides and just roll them until you get to the stem end. Secure it with couple of cocktail sticks.
Repeat the process until you finish all four of them.

Put your broth you made earlier in a large shallow saucepan and bring it to simmer.
Place your prawn parcels, and simmer gently for about 15mins.

You can finish off the dish with the sprinkle of some Shichimi powder, thinly sliced red chilli and spring onion.
Hope you enjoy.

I must admit, I found it very very strange saying the word 'husband'. 
I get all giddy and ever so slightly embarrassed when I say 'the word'.

if you ever ask me.

I don't know about you, but I tend to do most of thinking in the car on my way to work.

When I was first learning to drive, I never though I'd be able to do anything other than just driving.
At that time, everything felt like such an effort to remember. Changing gears, minding the road and fellow drivers, steering left and right whilst making the correct turns, it felt like an impossible mission for someone who doesn't have much space awareness. I quite literally bump into everybody everywhere which often drives Toby mad, and it can be embarrassing when it happens too frequently.

When my instructor assured me that one day, it will all make sense and indeed it will become a second nature, I didn't believe him. 

I think I gave him the look as if to say, 'yeah... right.'.

It didn't take me long to realise, that he was right.

Most of the latter part of last year, I spent a lot of time thinking, on my journey to work in the car.

I am not exactly certain whether it was the marriage thing that got under my skin, or the pressure of work load, but I was very, very emotional. 

Thought of making changes to our lives when things were going alright definitely scared me. I was sure that I wanted to be with this person that I shared past almost 9 years of my life with, but I wasn't sure if we had the strength to make the marriage a right thing.

We came out with little cracks in our souls, sort of wounds that perhaps needed an unconditional loving and caring.

I don't know why the focuses were on the negatives, and neither of us knew how to deal with it. The more I tried to fight my corners, the more it went wrong. The more I tried to talk, the more we argued with defence. It was really hard. It was all far too much of an effort for very little rewards that felt so unreasonable.

I think we both were learning.

Earlier this year, however, was altogether the different story.

It felt like the moment that I realised I could drive whilst listening to the radio, planning my day ahead and even having a sip of drink, had come.

We were the same people doing the same old things except, that everything felt so much more respected and grounded, as if we had finally found the peace within ourselves.

It all started to make sense.

You know, I don't know what happens to other people, or my next door neighbours.
What I know is that, all our lives sometimes takes its unexpected turns. For better or for worse, it is the turn we just have to get through one way or the other.

As much as I couldn't stand the moments that we constantly argued like we were two enemies on the mission to kill each other, now I am on the other side seeing the light, for me it was that moments of continuous efforts to fight, made us to be who we are. And I am very, very glad we never gave up that fight.

Looking back, I think that's what I was most scared of.

What if one day, we just couldn't be bothered to care. What if giving up becomes a preferable option than trying. What if, if we ever forget how we got here.

But then I remembered, I used to say to Toby, we can't live our lives in what ifs.

Silly me.

Roasted Sweet Potato Taco

Serves 2

for the flat bread taco shells

70g rice flour

70g plan flour, plus little extra for dusting

2tbsp natural yogurt

some olive oil or softened butter

pinch of salt

some luke warm water

for the sweet potatoes

2-3 sweet potatoes, cubed

1 tsp cumin seed

1/2 tsp dried chilli flakes

some olive oil

pinch of salt and pepper

for the spicy slaw

1/2 small red cabbage (about 200g)

1 medium carrot

1 small red onion

1inch ginger, grated

1/2 tbsp fish sauce

1/2 tsp palm sugar

1 fresh lime juice

1/2 fresh orange juice

pinch of salt and white pepper

small fresh chilli to taste

for the crushed avocado

1 ripe avocado, crushed

1/2 red onion, finely chopped

1 garlic clove, finely chopped

1 small tomato, finely chopped

1/2 fresh lime juice

handful of fresh coriander, chopped

some olive oil

pinch of salt and pepper

small fresh chilli to taste

for the garnish

some natural yogurt

lemon juice

pinch of sumac

Okay, here's the thing.

Like those moments I've been babbling about, mastering my own taco shells took me few errors in making. To get to the point where it felt effortless to produce such an outcome, I must say, there had been quite tricky. But don't be put off by it at all.

By all means, the beauty of this dish is that, you can make it as easy and as fuss free as you like. You can just buy ready made taco shells, simply opt for an ordinary coleslaw, and use shop bought guacamole.

It doesn't have to be just so. But do roast the sweet potatoes yourself, because for me, lightly spiced sweet potatoes are just to die for.

First of all, put all ingredients for sweet potatoes into the baking dish, and roast them for 35mins or so at 200º.

Mean while, make your spicy slaw. You can do this by chopping up all the ingredients really fine by hand, or pushing them through the food processor to shred them.
Once the cabbage, carrot and onions are shredded, add salt and put them into the colander for about 20mins or so to remove excess water. Once all the excess water is drained, put shredded vegetables into a large mixing bowl and add ginger, sugar, pepper, fish sauce, lime juice, orange juice and chilli to taste.

For the avocado, I crush my avocado with fork because I prefer the texture it gives. When you blitz them with the hand blender, although there's nothing wrong with it at all, I found the whole thing a bit too mushy for me.
So it is entirely up to you to decide how you want to have them.

To make the taco shells, mix all ingredients, and work the dough until it becomes supple.
Divide the dough into four, and roll them out on to the floured surface to make into four small discs.
Once rolled, brush them with little oil, heat heavy based pan, and cook them for two minutes or so on each side on medium heat.
The trick here is to make sure not to over cook them. Take them off the heat immediately, and gently mould it into the shape whilst it's still warm. As it cools down, it will become harder to shape.

As I think this is a great sharing plate, I will probably put all the components on the table and get people to help themselves. Although I am serving mine with natural yogurt, you could throw in some sour cream instead.
Hope you enjoy.

Hope you are not giving up that fight any time soon.

Because, as much as it may sound corny, in the end, it will all be worth it.

where I belong.

Lately, I tend to run out of time.

Each and everyday I'll scribble down the list of jobs that I consider as important or urgent matter. I'll probably spend good 10mins or so thinking about the most effective and logical working orders of the job required. Although I am not the sort of person who works with strict time schedule and allocates rather tight time limits to everything, I, more than often, considered myself as a grafter who would simply get on with the tasks once I put my mind to it.

But lately, I can't seem to be able to get down with the business. 
I mean, come on, sorting out stuff, picking up the pieces, taking care of all the nitty gritty used to be my forte, given the fact that my job title is a 'manager'. 
I thought, as long as I am organised and have the ability to successfully produce a super tight - by I mean good - job lists, everything would be a peanut. 
Bish bash bosh, job done, and the mission accomplished!

You see, I planed to update the blog the other Wednesday. But after spending hours wrestling with a grubby old toothbrush, trying to clean the bloody mould and stained hair dye on my bathroom tile grout, I lost all my will to even attempt to babble. The simplicity of repetitive hand movements had caused me some serious muscular pain and the only thing I could ever think of lifting is very well deserved glass of wine to celebrate those intense moments of me and now-very-worn good old toothbrush.

The thing is, I have been trying to cram everything into what was already a very little spare time of mine.
I had a full time job to care for, a blog to look after, a magazine article to submit every month, an-almost-there but never ending home renovation, and to top it up - or to tip it all upside down - a wedding to organise.
My stress level was reaching high, and my tolerance was wearing thinner and thinner each day. I could, if I tried hard enough, start to see myself turning into the short tempered, always tired looking, greasy messy haired, fag puffing, miserable cow.
OMG!

And, that's when I decided enough was enough.
As much as it was wonderful to be given an opportunity to write for CookAnd, I couldn't help myself feeling upset that I have left my love in neglect. Every given time off was spared for the magazine and my blog was being pushed on a side, at the bottom of my lists. And, it was about time, that I put things in right order.

The day I submitted my last article, I wrote to my editor explaining that the time has become an issue, and unfortunately Toby and I will have to call it a day.
She wrote back to thank me, and told me that one of our images were on the front cover to celebrate my final article.

And the day I made this gnocchi, I giggled and told Toby how happy I was. I think it may have well been the first time I smiled in a long while.

Beetroot Gnocchi with Green Pesto
serves 2

for the gnocchi
300g floury potatoes
250g beetroot, peeled and roughly chopped
some plain flour
pinch of salt and pepper
some oil and butter for frying

for the green pesto sauce
1 garlic cloves, crushed
handful of pine nuts, toasted (put some on the side for garnish)
handful of basil
handful of parsley
25g parmesan cheese, grated (+some extra for garnish)
1/2-1 lemon juice
some extra virgin olive oil
pinch of salt and pepper
couple of shallots, finely sliced

This is a sort of recipe where you can be really lazy with measuring, and just go with the flow. Although I have made it vegetarian, it would also be quite lovely to add some thick smokey lardons. Pay enough attention to how the dough feels in your hands, you will be rewarded with these mouth watering, beautiful, earthy magenta nuggets.

First of all, preheat the oven to 200º and bake the potatoes with skin on and pricked for around 45mins to an hour, until it is really fluffy and soft inside. Baking potatoes will remove a lot of its moisture contents, which will then allow the gnocchi to be the lightest and fluffiest.

Meanwhile, put your beetroot into the saucepan with a pinch of salt, cover it with water, and boil them for around 30mins or until it is soft.
When it is cooked, drain and blitz them until it becomes smooth pure.

To make your gnocchi, skin the cooked potatoes and put them through the ricer. You can mash them really smooth if you don't have the ricer. However, passing them through the ricer will give you the airy texture you want from good gnocchi.
Mix in the beetroot pure into the potato, season and gradually add the flour until your dough becomes stiff enough to handle but supple.
Take handful of your dough, roll our on the floured surface into a long sausage shape, and cut them into small bite size chunks. 
Repeat this process until you use up all of your dough.

Now, let's make the green pesto sauce.
I am making my pesto slightly on the thicker side for this pasta because I like to have a little bite to it rather than puree like. But you can make it more runny if you prefer, by adding more oil and lemon juice. Or even tiny drop of water to loosen it up a bit.

First thing, put toasted pine nuts, garlic, parmesan, basil and parsley into your food processor or pestle and mortar. Blitz them into preferred consistency whilst adding some olive oil and lemon juice. Season with salt.

To put together this lovely gnocchi, pan fry your bite sized gnocchi with little butter and oil over medium to high heat, making sure you only turn once. You might have to do this in batches. Be patient, and don't be tempted to do it all at once. You want to get them really crispy on the outside to create contrasting texture.
Once you're finished with it all, put them on a side.

Into the same pan you've just fried your gnocchi, gently fry the shallots with little olive oil until it's golden and crispy. Add fried gnocchi and pesto, stir in well with lots of freshly cracked black pepper. Season to taste with salt and lemon juice. 
Garnish with some toasted pine nuts, and more parmesan cheese. 

It feels good to be back. To the place where I feel home.